Before I start I'm going to repeat that if you have some idea of me being sweet and innocent that you would like to keep fully intact, don't read any further! So, this all started one day when I received a ransom note in a manilla envelope. It claimed that my g-spot had been kidnapped and I needed to be ready to party on a certain date and time in order to get it back. Of course I was scared to death! What kind of person would do such a thing?? From that day on I began receiving text messages from all sorts of people. Some of them I knew; others were from unknown numbers. These messages would tell me that the sender had seen my g-spot out and about doing all sorts of things. Everything from singing karaoke, eating Mexican food, and hitting on other women's men. "Spot" was really living it up! A short time later I received another note from the kidnapper. This letter said that I was to write a poem. The poem had to contain specific words, detail what Spot meant to me and how I would keep it happy once I reduce it to a life of monogamy, and had to be e-mailed to savemygspot@hotmail. The kidnapper actually created a real e-mail address for his/her ransom! The e-mail had to be sent within a week which was not much time for a non-poetic person such as myself. Regardless, I got to work and wrote a poem. I'm going to post it but don't read if you are easily offended! The CAPS words are the required words demanded by the kidnapper.
My heart is now broken
I'm feeling its sting
My G-Spot's been kidnapped!!
Who would do such a thing?
She didn't run away
She doesn't even have FEET
There's no reason to leave
When my needs she does meet
I'm about to be married
That's no time for messin'
Honestly, I'm surprised you even found her
Could you give him a lesson?
My G-Spot is very shy
Few people ever knew it
But I swear to you she's real
You don't know it 'cause you blew it
The PLEASURE G provides
Would make you WHIP you head in shock
Don't hate 'cause you don't have one
You've got your tiny little.... rooster
If you would only just return her
I'll give her the very best of care
I will ENJOY G to the fullest
This is more than I can bear
My fiance is so good to me
He misses my G-Spot too
Brings me treats and gifts to fill the void
Even take-out CHINESE food
My life without my G-Spot
Has been horrible and sad
I'm a UNICORN without glitter
A d**k without a nad
My message to the GUILTY party
You've disturbed the hive of bees
I'll find you and I'll SPANK your a*s
Teach you to f**k with G!
Finally the 30th rolls around and I know that the fate of my g-spot will soon be decided. I got home from my bridal shower and immediately Matt grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bedroom telling me that we needed to talk. He asked me what I had gotten him into and I was really freaked out. He then told me that he had been jumped by 4 ninjas while he was taking out the garbage. These masked men told him that if I wasn't ready for tonight by 6:30 that they would cut off his balls!! They had pushed the time back and threatened my baby-makers!! I assured him that I would let anything else bad happen and I went to get ready for the party. I was ready by 6:15. Finally I saw Jaime's car pull up. She ran up to my door and told me that these masked men had kidnapped her! They told her that she needed to bring me to the drop off site. I asked her if we should use this time to run but she said that, if she didn't bring me there, they might take her g-spot too. I couldn't put any of my friends in danger so I let her take me. We ended up in Coeur d'Alene at a seedy hotel (okay, it wasn't really seedy; it was pretty nice but seedy sounds better). She took me up to a room and inside I found my friends!! Veronica admitted to me that they had stolen my g-spot from me in order to make sure I wasn't taking it for granted and that I would go on appreciating it even after I'm married. So, we had some pizza and drinks in the hotel and played a few games. I got all dressed up in my pink bachelorette sash and pink glitter tiara. Then they took me to Mic & Macs. Of course my best friends would take me to a gay bar for my bachelorette party. They know me so well and they know that this is what I would love the most!! We stayed at the bar all night dancing, drinking it up and just having a great time. Veronica assigned a few tasks to me in order to get my Spot back while we were there. Once I had to go to the dance floor where there was one single guy dancing to AC/DC. Luckily, others joined us after a short time. The biggest thing was that I had to read my poem aloud to the entire bar. It was crazy!! All my friends were there screaming for me. It was one of the best nights ever. At the end of the night we took a cab home and crashed out at the hotel. Great time, great friends, AND I got my g-spot back!!!
My heart is now broken
I'm feeling its sting
My G-Spot's been kidnapped!!
Who would do such a thing?
She didn't run away
She doesn't even have FEET
There's no reason to leave
When my needs she does meet
I'm about to be married
That's no time for messin'
Honestly, I'm surprised you even found her
Could you give him a lesson?
My G-Spot is very shy
Few people ever knew it
But I swear to you she's real
You don't know it 'cause you blew it
The PLEASURE G provides
Would make you WHIP you head in shock
Don't hate 'cause you don't have one
You've got your tiny little.... rooster
If you would only just return her
I'll give her the very best of care
I will ENJOY G to the fullest
This is more than I can bear
My fiance is so good to me
He misses my G-Spot too
Brings me treats and gifts to fill the void
Even take-out CHINESE food
My life without my G-Spot
Has been horrible and sad
I'm a UNICORN without glitter
A d**k without a nad
My message to the GUILTY party
You've disturbed the hive of bees
I'll find you and I'll SPANK your a*s
Teach you to f**k with G!
Finally the 30th rolls around and I know that the fate of my g-spot will soon be decided. I got home from my bridal shower and immediately Matt grabbed my arm and pulled me into the bedroom telling me that we needed to talk. He asked me what I had gotten him into and I was really freaked out. He then told me that he had been jumped by 4 ninjas while he was taking out the garbage. These masked men told him that if I wasn't ready for tonight by 6:30 that they would cut off his balls!! They had pushed the time back and threatened my baby-makers!! I assured him that I would let anything else bad happen and I went to get ready for the party. I was ready by 6:15. Finally I saw Jaime's car pull up. She ran up to my door and told me that these masked men had kidnapped her! They told her that she needed to bring me to the drop off site. I asked her if we should use this time to run but she said that, if she didn't bring me there, they might take her g-spot too. I couldn't put any of my friends in danger so I let her take me. We ended up in Coeur d'Alene at a seedy hotel (okay, it wasn't really seedy; it was pretty nice but seedy sounds better). She took me up to a room and inside I found my friends!! Veronica admitted to me that they had stolen my g-spot from me in order to make sure I wasn't taking it for granted and that I would go on appreciating it even after I'm married. So, we had some pizza and drinks in the hotel and played a few games. I got all dressed up in my pink bachelorette sash and pink glitter tiara. Then they took me to Mic & Macs. Of course my best friends would take me to a gay bar for my bachelorette party. They know me so well and they know that this is what I would love the most!! We stayed at the bar all night dancing, drinking it up and just having a great time. Veronica assigned a few tasks to me in order to get my Spot back while we were there. Once I had to go to the dance floor where there was one single guy dancing to AC/DC. Luckily, others joined us after a short time. The biggest thing was that I had to read my poem aloud to the entire bar. It was crazy!! All my friends were there screaming for me. It was one of the best nights ever. At the end of the night we took a cab home and crashed out at the hotel. Great time, great friends, AND I got my g-spot back!!!